Survivor: Hogwarts
by Myrtle the Tyrtle
Summary: COMPLETE Lord Voldemort has invaded Hogwarts and is trying to kill all the kiddies! Fortunately a magic spell has locked them in the castle, and the only way out is to be eliminated from SURVIVOR! Who will win? Who will lose? Who will also lose? Read on..
1. Chapter 1

**SURVIVOR: HOGWARTS**

**BY MYRTLE THE TYRTLE**

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**A/N:** I had been planning to do this for some time now, and here it is! I know there are already some HP/Survivor crossovers on FFNet already, but this one will be even better because (a) nothing in this story is mine, and (b) I am not a real tyrtle! Happy reading and reviewing!

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It was that time again: Harry was sitting with Ron and Hermione at their House table in the Great Hall for their very last Sorting Ceremony. But before they could see the new first years, Professor McGonagall had an announcement for the very few students who remained.

"Welcome back to Hogwarts! We are small in numbers this year, but hopefully large in spirit! I would now like to announce your new Headmaster for this year, Professor Jeff Probst!"

Everyone applauded as the new Headmaster took the stage, and Professor Flitwick and a small line of first-years came through the heavy wood doors. arrHHHHHHarry could see several of them looking extremely worried, and it brought back memories of his sorting…

But suddenly! A large crash and several yells were heard from outside the hall. There were also loud roars. Harry knew them well…

And in the next moment, in flew seven Hungarian Horntail dragons, all rode by Lord Voldemort and his Death Eaters.

Professor McGonagall raised her wand, but soon found that she could not open her mouth to say a spell. Voldemort had cast a vast silencing charm on all people in the hall (other than Himself and the Death Eaters).

"Aha!" he cried. "I've done it this time! I've actually managed to overcome a handful of teachers past their use-by date and a school of students who can't tell the difference between Wolfsbane and Monkshood! Now I will kill them all, especially that toffee-nosed twerp Harry Potter!"

"Not so fast!" came a deep voice. Everyone turned to look at a wall covered with paintings of dead people. They soon saw that it was Albus Dumbledore that was doing the talking.

"Dumbledore!" hissed Voldemort.

"Tom!" cried Dumbledore. "You can't do kill these students! When I died I placed a spell on the school that will not allow anyone to kill a student while they are in the grounds. I also cast a spell preventing any student from leaving, except under extremely unlikely circumstances, like being voted off of a popular Muggle game show."

"What about the teachers?" asked Voldemort. "Can I kill them?"

"Um, well actually..." Dumbledore stalled for time.

"_Avada Kedavra_!" the many cries echoed around the room, and all the teachers lay dead on the ground (except for the new Headmaster who had dived behind his chair at the first sign of trouble).

"OK, so now that the meddling teachers are out of the way, how do I get the students?"

Dumbledore sighed. "You never did listen much, did you Tom? All you need to do is stage a game show and then as the students are voted off you just need to kill them as they leave the school. Er, I shouldn't have told you that."

"Right then! Let's play SURVIVOR!" Voldemort cackled, and said in a stage whisper: "its ironic because they need to survive! Hehehe!" Talking normally, he announced: "we need a host! I'd volunteer but I'd rather kill the students. And I'm not letting any Death Eaters do it because they all hate me and would make all the kiddies I hate stay in the game and get immunity so I can't kill them, like that meddlesome Harry Potter. They'd deliberately make him win so he can't be killed because I know that deep down, they really love him and hate me and want him to survive so he can kill me after he's destroyed all my Horcruxes. Not that I have any, heh heh. Um, so, anyway, to get back on the subject, who will I pick?"

The new headmaster meekly came forwards. "I was the host of thirteen Muggle SURVIVOR shows before I took up the position here, so could I…?"

"NO! Only Lord Voldemort will make the decisions! And I pick… you! Muggle headmaster! You will host my game show and help me pick the final contestants!"

"V-very well. Step into my office…"

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several hours later…

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"OK we have selected the final twenty students. The rest of you will have to leave the school now and be murdered before the eyes of your peers," declared the Dark Lord.

"Right, so we've got it down to houses, OK? And representing Gryffindor House will be Harry Potter, Hermione Granger, Neville Longbottom and the two Weasleys. Representing Hufflepuff House will be Ernie McMillan, Hannah Abbot, Zacharias Smith, Justin Finch-Fletchley and Susan Bones. Representing Ravenclaw House will be Luna Lovegood, Michael Corner, Anthony Goldstein, Terry Boot and Mandy Brocklehurst. Finally, the Slytherin team will be Draco Malfoy, Vincent Crabbe, Gregory Goyle, Pansy Parkinson and Millicent Bulstrode."

The chosen twenty made their way up to the stage, stepping over their ex-teachers as they came upon them.

"Right!" called Voldemort. "You lot that aren't good enough to play for your survival: follow me, so I can kill you!" He flew off on his dragon, followed by the other Death Eaters and the remaining students.

Only Jeff Probst and the chosen twenty were left in the Hall.

"OK, I just want to say I'm sorry, and good luck. Oh, and Harry's going to win this so don't vote him off."

"What?" there was a general cry of disgust. "You can't pick a winner!"

Jeff looked puzzled. "Why not, I've done it on every other SURVIVOR I've hosted." Upon seeing the other contestants' glum faces, he relented. "Fine, I'll make it a fair contest."

With that comment, Voldemort came back in alone, gliding slightly above the ground.

"For my first decision as the director of the show, I announce that your first challenge is to find as much food as you can for the next 39 days using NO MAGIC. If my Death Eaters detect a single bit of magic, you will be eliminated instantly. You are allowed to use any part of the castle, except another House's commonroom. And you must travel in your House Tribes. Now, presenter: present the contestants with the information I just informed you of so they can contest who gets the food to eat."

Jeff repeated the Dark Lord's request, and the twenty teenage wizards and witches set out on their quest for food, which was (of course) the first part of their dangerous struggle for the title of SOLE SURVIVOR! (additional prizes include 1,000,000 Galleons and the extra-special bonus prize of not being murdered by Lord Voldemort or a Death Eater in the first three days after winning the show).

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**A/N:** Now you've read my crazy and completely un-canon story, please leave your thoughts on it in a review (link is at bottom of the page). While you review, please try to remember the three K's of reviewing: Konsideration and Konstructive Kriticism. Please don't rip my story apart, just tell me how to make it better.

**MYRTLE **


	2. Chapter 2

**SURVIVOR: HOGWARTS**

**BY MYRTLE THE TYRTLE**

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**A/N:** WOW! 3 reviews already! This is my mostest amount of reviews for an actual story! (Contrary to popular belief **HELP PLEASE** is not an actual story)

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**CHAPTER TWO**

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**A brief recap: Lord Voldemort has invaded Hogwarts and the only way he can kill all the kiddies is to eliminate them from a Survivor-type show. Who will win? Who will lose? Who will also lose?**

Harry and the rest of the Gryffindors raced through the castle towards the kitchens. They alone knew where the secret entrance to the room populated by house elves was, and they thought they would win the challenge because they would get the most food.

Boy, were they wrong.

When they had made it through the painting of a fruit bowl, they were shocked to find that all the houseelves were lying sprawled on the floor. They were dead.

"Damn!" said Ron. "Who's going to feed us now?"

"Honestly, Ronald," said Hermione. "Didn't your mother ever teach you how to cook for yourself?"

"If 'cook for yourself' means what I think it means, then no, she didn't."

"You lie, Ron. She offered to teach us when we were younger, but little Ronnie didn't want to do _girl's work_." said Ginny.

Ron went and sulked in the corner.

"Th-there's no time for that now, Ron," said Neville. "How l-long did V-Voldemort say we had?"

"I actually can't remember," said Harry in a confused kind of way. "But we've probably run out by now. If we don't go back soon he'll probably kill us."

They agreed to grab something to eat and go back to the Great Hall.

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When they made it back to the Hall, all the other Houses were there. Slytherin had huge piles of sweets Harry knew Malfoy had brought with him, Hufflepuff had an apple and Ravenclaw had some bread. They all started to gag when they saw what the Gryffindors were bringing.

Each Gryffindor was carrying four house-elves.

"I think we win, Voldy," said Harry.

"Grrr, very well, all the Hufflepuffs are eliminated. Go out and be killed."

"Hang on!" cried Jeff, the ever-ready host. "You can't eliminate 5 people at once! You have to do that in five different episodes!"

"Yeah, well I'm going to be away for the next five episodes. You know, busy doing Dark Lord stuff..."

"What kind of Dark Lord stuff?" asked one of the Ravenclaws.

"Fool of a Took!" cried the Dark Lord, referencing a movie starring his idol, Sauron. The first real Dark Lord, he mused. "It does not concern you that I am going to be killing Muggles and Mudbloods and Blood Traitors and the occasional Pure Blood that I don't like. Now, as punishment for your interruption, you will die as well. Now, you six people, get out of my sight so I can kill you!"

The Hufflepuffs and Ravenclaw shuffled off miserably.

Voldemort followed them, and there was a flash of green light before he reappeared in the Hall.

"OK, well I'm going to be away for the next week or so, so don't do anything while I'm gone. I don't want to miss seeing anyone kill Harry, er, play this game, while I'm gone."

With that closing statement, he left the hall.

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"OK, guys," said Jeff to the remaining Survivors, "we've got to come up with a way to get rid of Voldemort."

The Slytherins were shocked. "Thats traitorism! We'll tell Voldie on you!" They all ran away.

"Right," said Harry, "now that they're gone, here's what we'll do..."

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**A/N: **Sorry for the shortness of the chapter, but it really shouldn't have been written today. I was supposed to be studying, but... oh well! And now that I've written a

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I'll have to update soon. Otherwise it'll bug me as well!

**MYRTLE **


	3. Chapter 3

**SURVIVOR: HOGWARTS**

**BY MYRTLE THE TYRTLE**

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**A/N:** WOW! 5 reviews already! This is my mostest amount of reviews for an actual story! (Contrary to popular belief **HELP PLEASE** is not an actual story). However, 5 is not enough! More! More! More!

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**CHAPTER THREE**

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**A brief recap: Lord Voldemort has invaded Hogwarts and the only way he can kill all the kiddies is to eliminate them from a Survivor-type show. The Hufflepuffs (and one unfortunate Ravenclaw) were the first to be eliminated. Who will be next? Read on…**

"Oh, Harry! I love you! I mean, your plan," stumbled Ginny Weasley. "You're wonderful! I mean, it's wonderful!"

"Hmm…" mused Jeff. We might have to keep you two apart. This fic is rated "T"."

"Does that mean "troll?"" asked Hermione.

"No," answered Jeff. "It means Suitable for teens, 13 years and older, with some violence, minor coarse language, and minor suggestive adult themes. So now that I think about it, you two can go right ahead!"

"Killing a group of school children comes under 'some violence'? This is worse than when those authors tried to make Dudley into a wizard! I'm going to write to Daddy about this!" said Luna, and she skipped off towards the Ravenclaw commonroom, followed by her three remaining team-mates.

Now only Jeff was left with the Gryffindors. "So, Harry, when are we going to do this plan?"

"I think we should get it ready now so it can go into place for when the big mean Voldy comes back," said Harry.

"OK then. We'll divide up into pairs so that you can all work on one part of the plan. Ron and Hermione can go to the library and research the you-know-whats, Ginny and Neville can go and prepare that thing that we need to do that other thing so that the third thing can do that magic thing to that guy that doesn't know anything, I'll go and talk to the other teams, and Harry can go to bed and rest because he's going to need his strength if he's going to win this thing."

"I have two issues with that," said Neville.

"You have a lot of issues, boy," said the cynical host.

Neville ran away, crying.

"What Neville was trying to say," said Hermione, "is that those pairs aren't all pairs."

"It's the American counting system, Hermy, get used to it."

Hermione scowled. She hated the name "Hermy". "The other thing is that you said this would be a fair game. It's not fair if you've decided who's going to win already."

"Look, I told you, nobody else had a problem with it on every other episode of Survivor. I mean, we'd all picked Richard Hatch from the beginning, and then Tina was the obvious choice for Season 2, and…"

"OK, we get it. But this is _Hogwarts_ Survivor. It's different!"

"Well, if you don't mind me asking," asked Ginny, "I'll be all alone preparing that thing that we need to do that other thing so that the third thing can do that magic thing to that guy that doesn't know anything. So, um… Harry could come with me."

Harry looked positively shocked. He had no intention of liking Ginny. I mean, c'mon, she's Ron's sister. Ron's sister!

But alas, Jeff said "good plan Ginny. We can trust you two not to get up to any mischief, eh?" He laughed, and went off to do his job. The others followed suit.

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Several hours and one love potion later, Harry was lying on across Ginny smothering her freckled face with soft kisses in his dormitory when Jeff Probst turned up.

"Harry! What are you doing! This'll turn the viewers against you! I mean, she's a blood traitor!"

"And you're a filthy muggle, you muggle!" Harry slurred as he… well this is where the censors come in.

**THIS SECTION HAS BEEN CENSORED. Instead we will be reposting footage of Snape killing Dumbledore. It's much safer than what really went down here.**

"Well now you've finished with that, young man, you can go and get Ron and Hermione from the library!" said Jeff after the love potion had worn off.

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Harry stumbled into the library to find…

**THIS SECTION HAS BEEN CENSORED. Instead we will be reposting footage of Snape killing Dumbledore. It's much safer than what really was up with this section of the story.**

"Harry! Oh, I'm so sorry! We weren't expecting you for another hour!"

"Yeah, well, Professor Probst wants the research. Er, you did do it, didn't you…"

"Ron did it all," grinned Hermione. "He's such a hard worker when there's something in it for him."

"And what a great something it was," said Ron, as he zipped up his…

**THIS SECTION HAS BEEN CENSORED. Instead we will be reposting footage of Snape killing Dumbledore. It's much safer than what really was in this section of the story.**

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"OK," said Jeff. "Now that we're all here, let's put our plan into action…"

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**A/N: **Well, it's another cliffy. And I'm sorry if I'm deviating a little from proper SURVIVOR stuff, but they've got five days to fill in until Voldy comes back! What else are they supposed to do?

No, I'm serious. What else are they supposed to do? Tell me in a **_review_**!

**MYRTLE.**


	4. Chapter 4

**SURVIVOR: HOGWARTS**

**BY MYRTLE THE TYRTLE**

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**A/N:** WOW! 9 reviews already! This is my mostest amount of reviews for an actual story! (Does **HELP PLEASE **count as a story?)

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**CHAPTER FOUR**

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**A brief recap: Lord Voldemort has invaded Hogwarts and the only way he can kill all the kiddies is to eliminate them from a Survivor-type show. The Hufflepuffs (and one unfortunate Ravenclaw) were the first to be eliminated, and Harry&Ginny and Hermione&Ron have been found in very compromising situations. Who will be next? Read on…**

"OK," said Jeff. "Now that we're all here, let's put our plan into action…"

"Stop right there!" said a very loud voice.

"Oh, great!" sighed Harry. "Now that Voldy's back, we'll never be able to carry out our secret diabolical plan."

"Secret plan? Who said secret plan?" Lord Voldemort and his dragon from Chapter One came flying into the room.

"Uh… I said, secret flan," lied Harry. "Would you like one?"

"Ooh, yes please," said Voldy, and he took a piece of raspberry and chocolate flan that Harry had just conjured. He bit it, chewed it, swallowed it, digested it and passed it, all in the space of about three seconds. "Urrrrgh!" he groaned. "That wasn't _flan_, was it?"

"Um, yes it was, Voldy."

"Urrrrrrrrgh! I'm allergic to flan, you idiot! You're eliminated!"

"Now, now, Voldy, let's not rush into things," reasoned Jeff. "Let's not forget our little deal…"

"Deal? Oh, right, that – urrrrrrrrrgh! – deal. Well, OK. You, ugly kid with the scar and glasses, what's your name?"

"Harry Potter."

"Harry Potter? That sounds familiar. Maybe there was a prophecy made about us at some point… oh well, Harry Potter, you must pick someone from your own team to be eliminated. You have ten min-"

"Ron."

"Don't interrupt me! I'll kill you!"

"Hello? Voldy? Deal?"

"Oh, sorry, Mr Jeff the stupid stuck-up I'm so much better than Voldy Muggle. Fine, Harry can pick someone else to get rid of."

This one was going to be harder. OK, thought Harry's brain, let's get rid of the person that is the most detrimental to the team.

"Neville," said Harry's mouth.

"Mmmm, sorry, but young Mr Longbottom resigned from the show, regarding a bout of low self esteem."

Crap! thought Harry's brain. Next on the list…

"Hermione."

"Very well. Hermione and Ron, the Harry has spoken. Now get out of the castle so I can kill you!" Hermione and Ron left reluctantly, holding each other very closely.

Voldemort followed them, and killed them quickly.

"OK, now for today's team challenge."

"Wait, Voldy. It's my job to announce it, and all the teams aren't here yet."

"Go ahead then."

The next thing anyone knew, they were all in the Great Hall and a deceptively small obstacle course was set up. All the teams were there as well: Five Slytherins, Four Ravenclaws, Two Gryffindors and no Hufflepuffs.

The Slytherins bowed low when Voldemort glided into the room. "Master," they hissed.

"Yes, yes, I'm great, I know. Now, crazy Muggle host, tell them the rules for this game."

"It's rather straightforward. Here's a list of what you have to do:

- Transfigure a rock into a blast-ended skrewt  
- Run away from the blast-ended skrewt  
- Run along a narrow beam – if you fall off you have to start again from the very beginning  
- Unlock a padlock releasing five flags  
- Take the flags into the lake  
- Pin them onto a family of four unsuspecting Gryndilows  
- Feed the Gryndilows to a pack of mermaids  
- Take the mermaids into the Forbidden Forest  
- Leave them there  
- Ride a centaur  
- Raise a baby giant  
- Drink unicorn blood  
- Make the centaurs angry by the three previous tasks  
- Find giant spiders  
- Escape from giant spiders  
- Fly a car into the Whomping Willow  
- Kill a dirty great snake  
- Save a hippogriff from execution  
- Make a whole heap of dementors go away  
- Get a golden egg off a dragon  
- Take a bath with a ghost  
- Set up a secret anti-Ministry defence association  
- Knock out a fully grown mountain troll  
- Take your skrewt for a walk

The house group that completes all tasks the slowest will be eliminated. Now go!"

The students sprinted off, and it wasn't long before they had all got up to step 6 (pinning flags on Gryndilows). It was at this point the Gryffindors took a great lead, as the Slytherins (who had been in second) got attacked by the Gryndilows and crashed into the Ravenclaws. These two teams were only up saving a hippogriff when the Gryffindors completed all the tasks.

Shortly afterwards, the Ravenclaws took their skrewt for a walk, and came in second.

"Slytherins come in last, therefore they are all eliminated and allowed to be killed!" declared Jeff Probst, and Voldemort reluctantly took the remaining students of his old house to be killed.

While they were gone, Jeff Probst said to the final six students: "OK, now because we have only six of you left we have decided to combine, or merge, the two tribes. Your team name is the Hogwarts United Houses, or HUH for short. And your new locationy base type place is the library."

The Ravenclaws were delighted at being able to live in the library, an act that Madam Pince had always deprived the obsessed bookworms of. But Harry and Ginny, the remaining Gryffindors were upset that they had lost their privacy for their budding relationship.

At this point, Voldemort came back in to announce the final challenge…

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**A/N: **Contrary to popular opinion, this is **_not_** a cliffhanger. I have merely neglected to continue this chapter any further.

Although, now that I realise it, that is actually your standard definition of cliffhanger.

If you **_review_** I'll get Harry to make you a flan! If you have any allergies, e.g. apples, nuts, flan, please let me know. I don't want you to eliminate me…

**MYRTLE.**


	5. Chapter 5

**SURVIVOR: HOGWARTS**

**BY MYRTLE THE TYRTLE**

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**A/N:**OK, I think we have maybe two or three chapters to go… very sad. But don't blame me - blame Voldy. It's him that's killing off all my characters!

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**CHAPTER FIVE**

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**A brief recap: Lord Voldemort has invaded Hogwarts and the only way he can kill all the kiddies is to eliminate them from a Survivor-type show. The Hufflepuffs (and one unfortunate Ravenclaw) were the first to be eliminated, and now we have also lost Ron, Hermione, Neville and all the Slytherins! Six remain. Who will be next? Read on…**

"I have now come in to announce the final challenge," Voldemort reminded everybody of the last sentence of the previous chapter. "But first I will announce a new twist."

Everybody gathered around excitedly.

"I have been informed by the Associate Producers," he declared, glancing backwards at a crowd of metaphorically faceless, suit-clad businessmen standing in a dark corner, "that we have to perform at least one official elimination ceremony before the end of the series, or we will not get any airtime. So therefore, I have decided to hold an elimination ceremony now. As in here, right now, in this room."

This announcement was met with general confusion.

"What you must do," explained Voldy, "is cast the spell _Ginna Votyovnow _at the roof, and the name of the person you want to vote off will be written in red. Then I shall take the person outside and kill them. So, what are you waiting for? Begin, already!"

The six remaining students cast their spells simultaneously.

Harry voted for Michael Corner, as did Ginny and Luna.

Anthony Goldstein and Terry Boot both voted for Harry.

Michael voted for Ginny.

"Well, it looks like its almost unanimous," said Jeff. "Michael, please step forward and hand me your torch… I mean, wand. The tribe has spoken."

Michael glared at the five remaining students, before submitting to Voldemort and dying in a rather graceful manner outside the castle.

Voldemort came back in. "Now, your final challenge will be a rather difficult one. It will be outside on the Quidditch Pitch."

Ginny piped up, "but if we go outside, you can kill us!"

The others murmured their agreement.

"No, silly blood traitor. I can only kill you when you are either eliminated, evacuated due to illness or retired due to personal reasons," explained Voldy.

"Oh…" went the Hogwarts United Tribe, and they were led down to the Quidditch Pitch, where they found a fifty-foot high maze, similar to the one Harry had found his way through in the Triwizard Tournament.

"Hmm, what's that still doing there?" puzzled Voldy, and he magicked it away.

"Your challenge," he said, "is to catch the Golden Snitch – " he released one onto the field, " – while over 100 bludgers are attacking you!" He released the bludgers, and they started to attack the students.

They instinctively grabbed the supplied broomsticks and soared over the field, looking for the Snitch.

"The winner," yelled Voldy, "will pick one person to take with him to the final elimination show, to be shown live on CBS in fall 2007!" He began to cackle evilly, knowing that the two surviving students would probably died of the suspense long before the final episode.

Only 3 hours later, Harry (who wasn't the youngest seeker in a century for nothing) had caught the Snitch, giving him entry into the final elimination ceremony.

"I want Ginny to come too!" he yelled, as he jumped off his broom and ran towards her, where he embraced her in a passionate bout of face-sucking.

"Well I suppose you three will be eliminated, and therefore killed now," said Jeff to the Ravenclaws.

"No!" cried one of the suit-wearing Associate Producers. "We need a jury for the final vote!"

"Fine!" grumbled Voldy. "I'll kill them later." Then he cackled evilly.

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**A/N: **I'm deeply apologetic for the terrible shortness of this chapter, but seeing as it's the first one without a cliffhanger since Chapter One, I think it was alright.

OK, so I'd like to know who you think wins the final vote. Tell me in a **_review_**, and I might reconsider my thoughts for the winner.

**MYRTLE.**


	6. Chapter 6

**SURVIVOR: HOGWARTS**

**BY MYRTLE THE TYRTLE**

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**A/N:** Welcome to the beginning of the end, now containing an increased percentage of descriptive writing than previous chapters!

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**CHAPTER SIX**

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**A brief recap: Lord Voldemort has invaded Hogwarts and the only way he can kill all the kiddies is to eliminate them from a Survivor-type show. The Hufflepuffs (and one unfortunate Ravenclaw) were the first to be eliminated, and now we have also lost Ron, Hermione, Neville and all the Slytherins! More recently, Harry won the final challenge, and chose Ginny to go to the grand final with him. Who will win? Read on…**

**Several weeks later, in fall 2007…**

"Hello, and welcome to the live finale and reunion show of SURVIVOR: HOGWARTS. In the lawsuit that immediately followed the show's post-production stage, it was decided that Lord Voldemort, the Producer and Director of the show was being mean, unfair, cruel and sadistic during the filming – oh, yes, this was filmed! – of the show, most importantly taking over from my role as host. So now he has now brought about the re-opening of the Tower of London, and I am your host, Jeff Probst!

"Now let's bring on our two final survivors, HARRY POTTER!!! And Ginny Weasley."

The crowd clapped and cheered. Most of them were holding signs that said things like "Potter for President", "Weasley Will Win!" or more simply and neutrally "Go Go Gryffindor!" In the far corner, however, a small section of the audience were wearing dark hoods and masks and holding signs saying things like "Tear down the Tower", "Free Voldy" and "Hurry up and kill the blood traitors!"

Harry and Ginny walked briskly onto the stage, waved at the crowd then sat down on to uncomfortable but stylish Hogwarts-themed stools in the middle of a semi-circular stage.

"How you doin' guys?" Jeff asked the two finalists who, in good SURVIVOR style had each completely redone their faces since they had left the show: Harry had had cosmetic surgery to remove his scar, while Ginny was now clean-shaven. "Good, good, great," he continued, without waiting for an answer. "Now let's welcome the jury."

There was an awkward silence, and a large dust ball blew across the stage. A stage manager hurried on stage and shuffled over to Jeff. The pair held a whispered conversation for about three seconds until Jeff bellowed: "What do you mean, 'they're dead'? How could they possibly be dead?"

Just then your stereotypical English newspaper salesman ran onto the stage.

"Extra, extra! Read all about it!" he cried in an atrocious Cockney accent. "56 victims in a giant hoax!"

"Give it here!" snapped an irritated Jeff, and he snatched a newspaper from the boy.

"That'll be one Knut, guv'nah!"

Jeff scanned the front page. "There's nothing about a giant hoax…"

The newspaper boy took his money and ran off, shouting: "Extra, extra! 57 victims in a giant hoax!"

"… but it does say that Lord Voldemort has escaped from the Tower and is coming to kill all the remaining Hogwarts students before the beginning of the SURVIVOR: HOGWARTS reunion and finale show!"

He showed the audience the front of the newspaper, the headlines of which proclaimed: "LORD VOLDEMORT ESCAPES FROM TOWER – VOWS TO KILL ALL REMAINING HOGWARTS STUDENTS BEFORE THE BEGINNING OF THE SURVIVOR: HOGWARTS REUNION AND FINALE SHOW!"

"Of course, you can never trust the Prophet." He scrunched the paper up into a ball and chucked at an artificial fire. It bounced off and landed by Harry's foot. "Someone get me the Quibbler!"

A stagehand consented, and brought Jeff the requested magazine. "Great gargoyles!" he exclaimed, and showed everybody the front page. "VOLDEMORT STOPS FOR INTERVIEW BEFORE KILLING EDITOR'S DAUGHTER AND THE REST OF THE SURVIVOR: HOGWARTS JURY (Full Story page 3, Interview Page 17)"

"Good Lord!" Jeff fell to his knees.

"Nae, he's an evil bastaird who's killed me on'y son!" shouted a distraught Scottish witch who was promptly removed from the audience by burly security guards.

Jeff failed to hear her: he was now rocking back and forth muttering, "the jury's dead, he's killed them, the jury's dead, he's killed them" over and over.

At that precise moment, a large dragon dropped through the roof and crushed most of the audience.

"Yes, it's all true," said its rider. "Your jury is dead, and I have killed them. I'm quite proud of myself."

"But Voldy!" cried Jeff, for it was indeed the dreaded Lord Voldy atop the great beast. "How could you? We needed the jurors to announce Harry – I mean, someone completely chosen at random and not picked right from the beginning of the game – the winner."

"Yes, true," agreed Voldy, "but if there is a winner, I can't kill them until three days after the competition. And I just can't wait that long! I need to kill like this author needs reviews!" He pulled a fat old man with a substantial lack of hair out of a cauldron.

Jeff opened his mouth to respond, when a voice-over artist interrupted him.

"And now a word from our sponsors!" he announced, as some cheap music began to play. "Lawyerboy, Byrtle the Tyrtle and Associates (Illegal) Legal Practitioners Ltd. have been supporting fanfiction ever since they were coined up on December 13, 2006. And their motto is: "If you haven't yet reviewed, you might just soon get sued!"

The music stopped, and Voldy wiped a tear from his eye. "There's a message in there for all of us," he sobbed momentarily. "Er, you were saying…"

"Ah, yes, um, er, where was I?"

"You opened your mouth to respond when a voice-over artist interrupted you," offered Harry.

"Thanks, Harry," said Jeff. He turned to Voldy. "If a winner is never selected, you can never kill neither Harry nor Ginny."

"I don't believe you!"

"Bet you ten galleons you can't."

"OK, no, it's fine," said Voldy hurriedly, as he obviously didn't have the Galleons to pay up in the first place. "I believe you."

"Hem, hem!" coughed a voice. Everybody spun around, expecting to see Dolores Umbridge, but were pleasantly surprised to see one of the Associate Producers.

"I believe that this is supposed to be a _reunion_ show," continued the suit-clad man. "So how about you lot get on with some reuniting before I have to threaten you with cancelling your air-time."

"How can you cancel it?" asked Ginny. "I thought this was a live show!"

"Actually, in the world of show-biz, a LIVE SHOW means that it's live when you watch it."

"Ah," everyone sighed in an enlightened manner.

They all settled down on big comfy sofas and Jeff began to ask questions to Voldy and the two surviving contestants.

"Harry, we'll start with you first. What was the biggest regret at you had at the end of the show?"

"That's an easy one, Jeff. It was obviously not carrying out our secret plan on Voldy."

"Oh, yeah, I'd forgotten about that," said Ginny. "Remind me, how'd it go again?"

"Well, actually," Harry looked around for spies and Daily Prophet reporters before continuing, "there wasn't actually a plan. It was really a gimmicky plot device created to keep the audience interested."

Everybody howled with laughter.

"Bloody hell, Harry," chuckled Voldy. "You certainly kept me in suspense, especially with all those horrible cliffhangers! Now I want to kill you more than ever!"

"Yeah, but you can't, you big mean baddy!" giggled Harry. "At least, not until we decide a winner!"

Everybody laughed again.

"So, speaking of winners," said Ginny, "will we ever decide who wins out of me and Harry?"

"Well, I guess you're both the winners," said Jeff.

A lit wand appeared above Voldy's head. He'd just had an idea.

He grabbed the wand and pointed it directly at Harry.

"Say your prayers, Mister Potter."

Harry looked shocked. "You can't kill me! I'm Harry Potter, the Boy-Who-Lived! The Chosen One! And, more importantly, the winner of SURVIVOR: HOGWARTS. You can't kill me for another three days!"

Voldy chuckled malevolently. "Yes, Potter, but because you and the Weasley girl are both the winners, you forfeit your three-day head start. And now I will kill you!"

"Not so fast!" came a deep voice. Everybody turned around to look at a wall of dead people's paintings (primarily at Dumbledore), but the old wizard said "What? It wasn't me! It was him!" and he pointed out of the frame at Jeff Probst.

But it now appeared that Jeff Probst wasn't Jeff Probst at all! He was transforming just like Harry and Ron had done in their second year. He was becoming someone entirely different as he took polyjuice potion… but he wasn't holding a cup in his hand.

"You've been taking Polyjuice Potion!" said Voldy, stunned that a muggle would have thought of such a thing. "Who are you?"

"Why, my name is Phil Keoghan. And I am the presenter of the multiple Emmy Award winning reality show THE AMAZING RACE. I used Polyjuice Potion to get this job because I was turned down from being the host of SURVIVOR because I was told being a New Zealander counted against me.

"And you can't kill those kids!"

"Why ever not?" asked Voldy.

"Because you made an unbreakable bond with me not to kill Harry or the one he loves. And if you break that bond, you die. Remember?"

"I don't care if I die. I've got a whole ton of Horcruxes." He pointed the wand straight at Harry's chest.

"Avada Kedavra!" both wizards said the spell at the same time. Harry had instinctively raised his wand and cast the killing curse at Voldemort. This, as we all know, causes Priori Incantatem, the reverse spell effect. However, because the same spell was used from both wands, it was reversed, and all the people Harry and Voldemort had ever killed were coming back to life. And because Harry had never killed anyone, only Voldemort's victims were magically reviving.

First came the Ravenclaw jurors, then the Slytherins, Michael Corner, Hermione, Ron, Neville, Mandy Brocklehurst, the Hufflepuffs, the rest of the students, all the teachers, Cedric Diggory, and old man, and then Bertha Jorkins started to appear.

"Ugh, Bertha Jorkins!" spat Harry, and he broke the connection before she could materialize.

"Harry, you idiot!" yelled Hermione, running over to him. "Your parents would have been next! Didn't you want to see them?"

Harry shrugged, before turning his wand again on Voldemort, but he was already gone. "Where'd he go?" he yelled.

Phil stepped forward. "He's gone travelling around the globe. I can help you find him, if you travel in teams of two. Are you ready for: the Amazing Race – Special Hogwarts Edition!"

There was a slight silence.

"Um, not really," said Harry. "But we'll do it anyway, to kill Lord Voldy and… well, we'll decide what else when we get there!"

**----------------------------------------------**

**A/N: **As one story ends, the opportunity for a sequel is revealed. Please stand by for the publication of THE AMAZING RACE – SPECIAL HOGWARTS EDITION! (coming to Fanfiction-dot-net hopefully pretty soon!)

**MYRTLE.**


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